For whatever reason most members of our society think that all women want to get pregnant and have babies. Well not me. I don't particularly like children, so when it was suggested that we do an article on bearing them I was hesitant. But then I thought about all my friends who are now moms and how I'd love to understand them better. So I decided to ask the questions that I had been afraid to ask, and who better to give an honest opinion than reluctant parent Risa Green, author of Notes from the Underbelly, a novel turned television series premiering on ABC this month.

SM: Do people who say they want children really want children?

Risa: I won't speak for everyone, but I think a lot of people probably come to that decision later in life. I remember when I was 22 I said "I'm never having children," but I think that when you get married, and your spouse wants children, it becomes something that's in your daily vocabulary. Not an "if," but a "when."

SM: For years I've heard friends say, "I'm ready to have a baby, to be a mom." Is anyone ever truly ready for that?

Risa: I don't think so. I think it's one of those things where you have to say: "Let's just do it and get it over with." We have two kids now and when we got pregnant with my son that's exactly what we said to each other. We were through the worst part with my daughter by that point and we were like, "If we wait any longer, we're not going to want to go through all that hell again with babyhood."

SM: Like you, I'm not exactly dying to have babies. But does that reluctance change when you find out you're pregnant?

Risa: It didn't change for me. With my daughter it was a good six months before I was like "Okay I can see why people do this and say it's great." Or tolerable. "Great" actually probably took until she was eighteen months. When they're just those little boring things and it's all give and no take--it's just not my thing.

SM: So when people say to "wait" before having children, what do they really mean?

Risa: I think they mean, wait until you're with someone who you know you really love, because it is not easy. And for women in particular, no matter how equal your marriage is, the bulk of it comes on to you. Not something I realized. You'd better be with somebody who you think you can get through that with.

SM: Is there anything we should do or get out of our systems before having babies?

Risa: Do all the things you want to do, because once you have kids, your life--it's just not about you anymore. And this is the thing you're never ready for: Wait until you're really ready to be unselfish. And I think everyone should be selfish when they're young.

SM: Why the "Oh childbirth's not so painful, everything is so rosy." Why can't people just be honest about what it's like?

Risa: One reason is that people forget. I also think they don't want to scare you. Because I've definitely been in situations where people are pregnant and they've read my book and they call me crying. You don't want to freak people out completely.

SM: Sometimes I'm unsure of how to treat my pregnant friends. Are there certain questions you should ask?

Risa: No, but there are questions not to ask. I hated being pregnant, probably equally as much for the attention that I got from strangers as the changes to my body. I liked my friends who would say, "Can we not talk about baby stuff?" because I think when you're pregnant you start to feel like you're not you anymore, and all anyone asks about is the baby and your pregnancy and when you're due. I threw a tantrum once in my office. I was like, "I am not just a vessel! I'm still me!" I put a ban on anyone in my office asking me baby questions. They weren't allowed to talk about it. And I loved going to work because it was the only place where I could just be me.

SM: Pregnant women and new moms act like they've joined an exclusive book club and then treat us non-moms like we haven't read the book. What's with the exclusivity?

Risa: Suffering is what happens. I remember thinking I know what it's like to be sleep deprived. Until you've got a baby you just don't...unless you've been in some kind of Turkish prison and they've been dropping water on your head all day. And there's definitely that moms' club, where you can just look at someone and know they have kids even if they're not with them. They'll just look at you like, "I've been there."

SM: What are the pros of having a child?

Risa: I don't want to sound like those people.

SM: Oh, but do.

Risa: It is a level of love that you just don't experience. I had some issues with my mom before I had kids and I remember thinking that she wanted me to love her as much as she loved me. And now that I have kids I realize that's impossible. You can never love anybody as much as you love your children. They're these people that you made. I look at my kids and I'm like, "I made you! And you're relatively normal." It's amazing.

SM: Can you retain your sense of self and still be a mom?

Risa: I think yes, definitely. I think you have to just want to. A lot of people, when they have kids, are not interested in being friends with people who don't have kids because it's just not their life anymore. But I think if you really love your friends and if you're committed to your job then, yeah. You have to make a lot of sacrifices and there's guilt that is unspeakable, but you can do it.

About the Author

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